Premier League Lies
Jack Grealish Celebrates Goal by Letting His Sentient Hair Loose to Wreak Havoc In Stadium
A hairdo that hairdoes what it wants.
MANCHESTER — In the 84th minute against Tottenham Hotspur, Jack Grealish swung out wide and uncorked a shot on goal that was mathematically perfect. When it met the net the Manchester City winger strolled to the sidelines, raked his fingers through his hair and removed his thin headband in celebration.
Pandemonium reigned.
Grealish’s hair shrugged itself loose from his scalp before cartwheeling into the stands to slap, punch, depants, and unleash several professional wrestling moves on the stunned crowd. Various attendees banded together to create a makeshift net from squad scarves, though the hair proved too quick and prehensile to catch.
Proof of Grealish’s sentient hair, which as of publication has still not identified itself with a pronounceable name, will no doubt only intensify the scrutiny on Manchester City this season. They sit one spot behind Arsenal for the Premier League title and have had strong showings on the pitch, all prior to the emergence of the many-limbed, faceless entity from Grealish’s head.
Along with possessing another possible scoring resource, Man City’s strategy must shift due to Grealish’s hair being booked for wildly bouncing through the stadium. Supporters in the Etihad expressed their displeasure at the yellow card, even as they were shuddering in fear from the hair’s appearance. Was the card justified?
“We had to confer, obviously,” said a Premier League Official who spoke on the condition of anonymity, “since none of us had known about the hair’s autonomy. But yes, [it was] totally justified. In essence, Jack Grealish himself is the jersey for his hair, so once the hair separated itself, there [you are]. Or, allowing you might not see it as such, how about this? The headband would be the jersey, yeah?”
As of 1 July, 2004 any player removing his or her or its jersey by way of a celebration immediately receives a yellow card, according to the rules sanctioned by the International Football Association Board (IFAB). Grealish’s hair generates no sound and thus gave no comment when asked to clarify if the headband or Jack Grealish himself could be considered its jersey.
Manchester City return next week against Leeds United. If Grealish’s hair were to receive another yellow it would miss the following match against Newcastle which the Sky Blues could ill afford at this point in the season.
